


In Which the Strilondes Play Clue

by FlaringDichotomies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Family Game Night, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 08:39:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlaringDichotomies/pseuds/FlaringDichotomies
Summary: Enduring a garishly domestic game night with the ecto-family is a trial of patience.~~~Happy Birthday Homestuck!





	

“Are you sure you’re up for this, Karkat?”

“DON’T MOCK ME, STRIDER. I HAVE STUDIED THE RULES OF THIS HUMAN GUESSING GAME OF YOURS, AND I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF PLAYING IT.”

“See, that right there. If you still think Clue is a guessing game, you don’t stand a chance.”

“IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE. JOHN EXPLAINED TO ME THE IMPORTANCE OF ‘FAMILY ACTIVITIES’ IN HUMAN COURTING RITUALS. IF I INTEND TO ACHIEVE ‘FAMILY’ STATUS, I HAVE TO DO THIS.”

Roxy strung an arm around each of their waists. “Aww, c’mon babycakes. Ill be fun havin Karkat fer family game night.”

“Not my funeral,” Dave conceded.

They distributed themselves across the sofas. Rose sorted the cards, selected three anonymously, and dealt. Karkat handed out the sheets and pencils, then pulled the board and pieces out of the box.

Dirk asked, “We use the board now?”

“THE RULES OF THIS CLUE REVOLVE AROUND THE BOARD, BULGEMUNCH.”

Dirk shrugged and grabbed the red playing piece. Roxy was having none of it. “The dashing lady cast is obously me. White’d suit u more.”

Dirk challenged her, “I cut a striking bachelorette. Rock, paper, scissors for Scarlet.” Roxy accepted enthusiastically.

Dave rolled his eyes. “You’re never going to beat Dirk in a reflex game, Mom. Err, Roxy.”

“I THOUGHT THAT WAS ANOTHER HUMAN GUESSING GAME.”

Rose smiled at him knowingly. “Were that the case, I’d have the advantage as the Seer, yet my father always wins. I’ll play as the Professor, the most learned of the Clue cast.”

“Oh god. Let’s not do the family title bit today.” Dave glanced at his hand. “Give me Mr. Green.”

Rose, Dirk, and Roxy all decaptchalogued a notebook and jotted down a note. Dave exclaimed, “Oh, god damnit! Karkat, you’re Green. Give me one at random.”

Karkat handed him Mustard. “WHAT JUST HAPPENED.”

“My boy Dave is too nice fer his own good. He hates playin the murderer. Takes after his momma. He has Green in his hand.” Dave flicked off the group in general.

They rolled for turn order. Dirk gestured to Rose. “Either you have Plum, or you snuck me Serket’s dice again. I refuse to go first.” Rose smirked. “You are a cheat. I demand a reroll.”

“WHY WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR OPPONENTS A WINNING ROLE? GOING FIRST CLEARLY GIVES A SLIGHT ADVANTAGE.”

“You’re welcome to take the lead, then,” Dirk offered.

Dave said, “Don’t let him fool you, Karkat. He’s just cranky over the loss.”

“LOSS? WE HAVEN’T STARTED YET.”

Dirk turned on Roxy, “Blunt strife specibus?” After gauging her reaction, he jotted down a note.

Roxy told him, “No more stalling, Dirky Dirk. Make your guess.”

“Alright. I accuse White-” Intent stares were turned every which way. “-with the knife-” No one reacted. “-in the billiard room.” Roxy may have blinked.

“HOLD ON. THE BILLIARD ROOM IS ALL THE WAY OVER THERE, AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN ROLLED YET. YOU CAN’T SAY THAT.”

Rose explained, “On the contrary, father’s final accusation can be made from anywhere on the board.”

“FINAL? IT’S HIS FIRST TURN.”

“Making a call round one is allowed. You claim you studied the rules?” Away from the others, Dirk flipped the three solution cards. “Figures.”

“DID YOU DIG YOUR THINKJELLY OUT YOUR HEARDUCTS? THAT WAS THE WORST POSSIBLE PLAY YOU COULD’VE MADE, YOU BILGEWIPE. YOU LOST ON YOUR FIRST TURN.”

Roxy tutted, “Now, young man. That is no way to talk to ur serperiors. If u want to be part of this family, u better apologize to daddy right now.”

Rose asked, “Has David been a negative influence on you, Karkat? I’ve never heard you use such foul vocabulary, especially in front of father. With your interest in literature, I’d expect more elegance from you.” Roxy made another note.

“WHAT? THAT WAS TONED DOWN-”

Dirk cut him off, “How dare you. I am fucking offended by your language. The shit I put up with everyday for you damn kids, and this is how you speak to me?”

Karkat sucked in for an especially loud response. Dave tapped him on the head to deflate him. “They’re making fun of me, not you. Roxy, you're turn.”

“Dangit, I’m not even close yet. Hmmm. I’m gonna say it was me! With the knife, in the kitchen.” She peeked at the solution. “Lordy, I wasn’t even close. Or was I?”

Dave exaggerated his surprise. “Oh, shit. Did you just throw the game to screw with us? Was it White or the kitchen?”

“Aww dang. Caught me. White.”

Rose commented, “Kitchen, then.”

“Nah, I’d say both.”

“WHAT THE FUCK. YOU’RE BOTH OUT OF THE GAME NOW.”

Roxy shrugged it off. “Ehh. I didn have mucha chance when I rolled second. I recmend u make ur final accusation now, lil Vantas.”

Dirk told him, “Guess the knife. It’s the murder weapon.”

Dave pulled a sword on him. “Cut the table talk. I still have a chance here.”

Roxy burst out laughing. “Strife! Strife! Strife!” Dirk pulled his own sword.

Rose told him, “Brother dearest, hasn’t father told you murder at the dining table is unappetizing?”

Dirk tucked away his sword and added, “Of course I fucking have. You know the rules. Kill anyone, and it’s straight to bed without dinner. Besides, everyone else knows the murder weapon. I prefer to play fair.”

Dave groaned, “Make it end, Karkat. Just make your guess already.”

Karkat glared at them all and rolled. “HAH! TRAINCARS!” He moved his piece straight to the observatory and squinted at his cards. Peacock, Observatory, Candlestick, Plum. “I AM STARTING A RUMOR-”

Roxy cut him off, “No! Karkat, listen to ur hunklicious, new mom and dad. One day u’ll be as wise as us in the way of the game board, but right now you are starved. Make ur final accusation now.”

Dirk nodded sagely, “We have much wisdom to impart. We only hope you will heed our words.”

The table creaked where Dave gripped it. “Oh my- Karkat, if you add one word to this, I swear I will do an inverted flip off the rooftop.”

“YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME. YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOW OFF YOUR WONDROUS ABILITY OF FLIGHT, WHILE US LESSER GODS ARE LEFT LANDBOUND.”

“Shh, that’s not the point.”

“FUCK OFF. I’M STARTING A RUMOR. I BELIEVE IT WAS YOU-” Karkat pointed at Dave. “WITH THE CANDLESTICK IN THE OBSERVATORY.”

Roxy patted him on the back. “Oh, honey. U must think ur gonna get a second turn. I can't prove you wrong.”

Dirk told him, “At least you'll know better next game. I can't prove you wrong.”

“I can't prove you wrong.” Rose grinned from ear to ear and looked at Dave.

“How am I the murderer again!?” Dave whined, “Not cool. I can't prove you wrong.”

Karkat frowned at them. “DON’T FUCKING ASSUME. I COULD HAVE COLONEL MUSTARD IN MY HAND. THE CANDLESTICK OR OBSERVATORY COULD BE THE CORRECT GUESS.”

“I told you the weapon is the knife.”

Rose added, “And the three of us do not know the room yet. Best of luck, David.”

“My odds are one to one. In the first timeline, I win. In the second, I lose.”

“Ah, you must have two room cards then?” Rose asked. “How fortunate of you. We both know Dirk has the Hall, considering the glances he threw. You have the lounge? The ballroom? The dining room?”

Dave stared her down, not allowing a single twitch of the eye. “I accuse myself! With the knife, in the ballroom.” Rose turned over a card from her hand depicting a plush room with a piano. “Oh, fuck you!”

“Now the question remains,” Rose said, “Are you holding the lounge or the dining hall? Sofas or chairs? Relaxation or sustenance?” Again, Dave held perfectly still.

Dirk questioned her, “Rose Lalonde, are you attempting to buy time? I raised you better than that, young lady. Just take a long look at your brother. He is a model child. All the encouragement he needed was the end of three worlds and a chance to off his old man, and he learned not to hesitate when making calls. He is decisive, stylish, and a sick musician; everything I ever desired for the two of you. After I put all of my heart into raising you, how could you possibly consider such an underhanded tactic as diverting the attention of your adversary to gain an advantage? We Striders stand against our foes in honorable combat, man to man, woman to woman, nonbinary to-”

Dave finally cracked. “Screw you! Why would you stall for her? She gave you loaded dice.”

“David, your tell is showing.” Rose accepted Dirk’s fistbump. “I accuse Mustard, with the knife, in the lounge.”

Roxy flipped the solution cards for her. “Rosy wins! Good round.”

Karkat looked between his cards and the other players. “WAIT. THAT’S IT? THAT WAS LESS THAN TEN MINUTES, AND I’M THE ONLY PERSON THAT STARTED A RUMOR. THE GAME CAN’T BE OVER. JOHN DESCRIBED THIS AFFAIR TO ME AS A GRUELING ONE THAT I MUST ENDURE TO PROVE MYSELF AND CURRY FAVOR WITH YOUR HUMAN ‘FAMILY’. I HAVE YET TO SUFFER ANY PROPER TRIALS.”

“Gog, I honestly don’t think I’d last longer than fifteen minutes with all the domestic jokes flying,” Dave said.

“ ‘Sides,” Roxy slurred, “We already like u. U an Dave r super adorbs.”

Rose added, “Not that our disapproval has any worth in the first place. Dave’s opinion is the most important.”

“OH. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE AFFAIR, THEN?”

Dave winked, “I’d say something cheesy, but there honestly isn’t a point. John was just screwing with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Aside from the fact that my relatives would never throw the game under any circumstances, and it is more likely for someone to pull a knife than a sword, this is literally how my family plays Clue.
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> ❤ Flare


End file.
